Are you stocking me?

English is confusing

Case in point: take the words “stalking” and “stocking.” Sound the same. Not interchangeable. Granted those with precise enunciation skills may differentiate them, but most Americans are notoriously lazy-lipped…which is probably fodder for another rant altogether. So unless one sees it spelled, one may be perplexed. Two may also be perplexed if you’re with a friend.

To say “I’m stalking you,” while somewhat creepy - unless it’s your fun Facebook friend who likes to “like” your comments or show up randomly at every coffee shop you frequent (big breath for the run-on sentence) – it should not be confused with “I’m stocking you.” “I’m stocking you” could mean one of two things. There are now several of you on my pantry shelf – creepy, or it’s Christmas and I’ve just hung you on the chimney with care – cumbersome, aaaannd also creepy.  

Don’t even get me started on stocking caps. How do I really know which word you mean?

“I’m buying a new stalking cap.”

“Niiice! Well, hey…I gotta go. Having some painful warts removed!”

And are nylon stalkings what happen to celebrity nylons?

Then there are celery stalks and corn stalks. You would never say corn stock. It doesn’t trade on the NASDAQ and, well, a lot of people don’t take much stock in corn…or celery. Though you might find them both in a stockpot.

Now an ear of corn is another matter entirely. But if corn really did have ears, how would you find them in all those kernels? And if a colonel has a hankering for corn, should you lend him an ear?

You see what I’m saying?